From 45b6d85bdd656d7f5efb26d43a6a716546d46cfc Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Volpeon Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2023 08:39:55 +0100 Subject: Added a 404 page --- content/notebook/archive/i-want-to-be-a-fox.md | 59 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 59 insertions(+) create mode 100644 content/notebook/archive/i-want-to-be-a-fox.md (limited to 'content/notebook/archive/i-want-to-be-a-fox.md') diff --git a/content/notebook/archive/i-want-to-be-a-fox.md b/content/notebook/archive/i-want-to-be-a-fox.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6fa75c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/notebook/archive/i-want-to-be-a-fox.md @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ +--- +schema_type: DigitalDocument +title: I Want To Be a Fox +date: 2022-07-09 +last_update: 2022-07-30 + +references: + - label: Question + url: https://brotka.st/notice/ALFjUBS9tkCWKyprMm + - label: My Reply + url: https://mk.vulpes.one/notes/92gm6ipdtp + - label: Update 2022-07-30 + url: https://mk.vulpes.one/notes/93ajjhu562 +--- + +::: alert +@kaia@brotka.st asked: "maybe not something you want to answer at all or publicly, but I'd be curious whether you genuinely long to be a dragon or a fox, its intensity, the motivation and background" +::: + +I don't mind replying in public. +It's not like I'm trying to keep this a secret, I just rarely talk about it because I usually have nothing to say on this matter. :drgn_flat: + +So yeah, I do genuinely wish to be a fox. +I don't know the source of this desire, I've just always felt more comfortable with the idea of being an animal than a human. +Some of my earliest memories are about me imagining myself as a bird and focusing on the sensation of having such a different body.\ +It's been a constant throughout my life and I can hardly express how much I long for it to become reality. +It doesn't matter that I'm completely aware of all the drawbacks and consequences, if I was given the chance I would take it in a heartbeat. + +Obviously, that will never happen, though. +I accepted it because what other choice do I have, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't eating away at me at times. +I found two things that help me handle my feelings: The first one is creating art. +The second one is my online identity which lets me live out myself genuinely, unlike my "real" name and my "real" face. +Here I'm not strictly limited to my body and I'm truly thankful that this possibility exists. + +As for the recent dragon stuff, I thought about what this character means to me. +I identify with it because it's an expression of my creativity and taste, but it hasn't taken over the role of foxes. + +## Update 2022-07-30 + +::: alert +I recent post that I feel is relevant here. +::: + +I mentioned before that I sometimes have sleepwalking...ish episodes where I partially wake up at night and I'm usually aware of who and where I am, but my mind is still in dream mode which leads to interesting thought processes. + +For instance, about half a year ago I had 3 or 4 where I thought wasps (closest approximation) were attacking me. +I'm sure I posted about them on fedi. +It fucking sucked. + +Last night I had one where I thought I was a spirit and I could take any shape I wanted, so naturally I tried to be a fox. +Then I fully woke up because my heart was racing and I had to calm down.\ +It's not the first time an episode went in that direction and I cherish every time it happens. +In these rare moments, being a fox is suddenly a dream that can become reality right then and there and I experience a peace of mind that's indescribable. +Just try to imagine your feelings if an impossible lifelong dream suddenly came true.\ +Nothing else comes even close to this experience, because when I'm awake I'm always aware of the reality in the back of my mind. +No amount of fantasizing or online interactions or well-intentioned "but Volpeon, you _are_ a fox"-es or anything else can change that. +Which doesn't mean it can't be helpful -- except for the last one in a serious context, I don't like that at all. + +Anyway, last night was great. :drgn_happy: -- cgit v1.2.3-54-g00ecf