content/notebook/fediverse/i-want-to-be-a-fox.md


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---
schema_type: DigitalDocument
title:       I Want To Be a Fox
date:        2022-07-09

references: 
  - label: Original Question
    url:   https://brotka.st/notice/ALFjUBS9tkCWKyprMm
  - label: Original Reply
    url:   https://mk.vulpes.one/notes/92gm6ipdtp
---

::: alert
@kaia@brotka.st asked: "maybe not something you want to answer at all or publicly, but I'd be curious whether you genuinely long to be a dragon or a fox, its intensity, the motivation and background"
:::

I don't mind replying in public. It's not like I'm trying to keep this a secret, I just rarely talk about it because I usually have nothing to say on this matter. :drgn_flat:

So yeah, I do genuinely wish to be a fox. I don't know the source of this desire, I've just always felt more comfortable with the idea of being an animal than a human. Some of my earliest memories are about me imagining myself as a bird and focusing on the sensation of having such a different body.
It's been a constant throughout my life and I can hardly express how much I long for it to become reality. It doesn't matter that I'm completely aware of all the drawbacks and consequences, if I was given the chance I would take it in a heartbeat.

Obviously, that will never happen, though. I accepted it because what other choice do I have, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't eating away at me at times. I found two things that help me handle my feelings: The first one is creating art. The second one is my online identity which lets me live out myself genuinely, unlike my "real" name and my "real" face. Here I'm not strictly limited to my body and I'm truly thankful that this possibility exists.

As for the recent dragon stuff, I thought about what this character means to me. I identify with it because it's an expression of my creativity and taste, but it hasn't taken over the role of foxes.