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---
schema_type: DigitalDocument
title: I Want To Be a Fox
date: 2022-07-09
last_update: 2022-07-30
references:
- label: Question
url: https://brotka.st/notice/ALFjUBS9tkCWKyprMm
- label: My Reply
url: https://mk.vulpes.one/notes/92gm6ipdtp
- label: Update 2022-07-30
url: https://mk.vulpes.one/notes/93ajjhu562
---
::: alert
@kaia@brotka.st asked: "maybe not something you want to answer at all or publicly, but I'd be curious whether you genuinely long to be a dragon or a fox, its intensity, the motivation and background"
:::
I don't mind replying in public.
It's not like I'm trying to keep this a secret, I just rarely talk about it because I usually have nothing to say on this matter. :drgn_flat:
So yeah, I do genuinely wish to be a fox.
I don't know the source of this desire, I've just always felt more comfortable with the idea of being an animal than a human.
Some of my earliest memories are about me imagining myself as a bird and focusing on the sensation of having such a different body.\
It's been a constant throughout my life and I can hardly express how much I long for it to become reality.
It doesn't matter that I'm completely aware of all the drawbacks and consequences, if I was given the chance I would take it in a heartbeat.
Obviously, that will never happen, though.
I accepted it because what other choice do I have, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't eating away at me at times.
I found two things that help me handle my feelings: The first one is creating art.
The second one is my online identity which lets me live out myself genuinely, unlike my "real" name and my "real" face.
Here I'm not strictly limited to my body and I'm truly thankful that this possibility exists.
As for the recent dragon stuff, I thought about what this character means to me.
I identify with it because it's an expression of my creativity and taste, but it hasn't taken over the role of foxes.
## Update 2022-07-30
::: alert
I recent post that I feel is relevant here.
:::
I mentioned before that I sometimes have sleepwalking...ish episodes where I partially wake up at night and I'm usually aware of who and where I am, but my mind is still in dream mode which leads to interesting thought processes.
For instance, about half a year ago I had 3 or 4 where I thought wasps (closest approximation) were attacking me.
I'm sure I posted about them on fedi.
It fucking sucked.
Last night I had one where I thought I was a spirit and I could take any shape I wanted, so naturally I tried to be a fox.
Then I fully woke up because my heart was racing and I had to calm down.\
It's not the first time an episode went in that direction and I cherish every time it happens.
In these rare moments, being a fox is suddenly a dream that can become reality right then and there and I experience a peace of mind that's indescribable.
Just try to imagine your feelings if an impossible lifelong dream suddenly came true.\
Nothing else comes even close to this experience, because when I'm awake I'm always aware of the reality in the back of my mind.
No amount of fantasizing or online interactions or well-intentioned "but Volpeon, you _are_ a fox"-es or anything else can change that.
Which doesn't mean it can't be helpful -- except for the last one in a serious context, I don't like that at all.
Anyway, last night was great. :drgn_happy:
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