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1 | --- | ||
2 | schema_type: DigitalDocument | ||
3 | title: I Want To Be a Fox | ||
4 | date: 2022-07-09 | ||
5 | last_update: 2022-07-30 | ||
6 | |||
7 | references: | ||
8 | - label: Question | ||
9 | url: https://brotka.st/notice/ALFjUBS9tkCWKyprMm | ||
10 | - label: My Reply | ||
11 | url: https://mk.vulpes.one/notes/92gm6ipdtp | ||
12 | - label: Update 2022-07-30 | ||
13 | url: https://mk.vulpes.one/notes/93ajjhu562 | ||
14 | --- | ||
15 | |||
16 | ::: alert | ||
17 | @kaia@brotka.st asked: "maybe not something you want to answer at all or publicly, but I'd be curious whether you genuinely long to be a dragon or a fox, its intensity, the motivation and background" | ||
18 | ::: | ||
19 | |||
20 | I don't mind replying in public. | ||
21 | It's not like I'm trying to keep this a secret, I just rarely talk about it because I usually have nothing to say on this matter. :drgn_flat: | ||
22 | |||
23 | So yeah, I do genuinely wish to be a fox. | ||
24 | I don't know the source of this desire, I've just always felt more comfortable with the idea of being an animal than a human. | ||
25 | Some of my earliest memories are about me imagining myself as a bird and focusing on the sensation of having such a different body.\ | ||
26 | It's been a constant throughout my life and I can hardly express how much I long for it to become reality. | ||
27 | It doesn't matter that I'm completely aware of all the drawbacks and consequences, if I was given the chance I would take it in a heartbeat. | ||
28 | |||
29 | Obviously, that will never happen, though. | ||
30 | I accepted it because what other choice do I have, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't eating away at me at times. | ||
31 | I found two things that help me handle my feelings: The first one is creating art. | ||
32 | The second one is my online identity which lets me live out myself genuinely, unlike my "real" name and my "real" face. | ||
33 | Here I'm not strictly limited to my body and I'm truly thankful that this possibility exists. | ||
34 | |||
35 | As for the recent dragon stuff, I thought about what this character means to me. | ||
36 | I identify with it because it's an expression of my creativity and taste, but it hasn't taken over the role of foxes. | ||
37 | |||
38 | ## Update 2022-07-30 | ||
39 | |||
40 | ::: alert | ||
41 | I recent post that I feel is relevant here. | ||
42 | ::: | ||
43 | |||
44 | I mentioned before that I sometimes have sleepwalking...ish episodes where I partially wake up at night and I'm usually aware of who and where I am, but my mind is still in dream mode which leads to interesting thought processes. | ||
45 | |||
46 | For instance, about half a year ago I had 3 or 4 where I thought wasps (closest approximation) were attacking me. | ||
47 | I'm sure I posted about them on fedi. | ||
48 | It fucking sucked. | ||
49 | |||
50 | Last night I had one where I thought I was a spirit and I could take any shape I wanted, so naturally I tried to be a fox. | ||
51 | Then I fully woke up because my heart was racing and I had to calm down.\ | ||
52 | It's not the first time an episode went in that direction and I cherish every time it happens. | ||
53 | In these rare moments, being a fox is suddenly a dream that can become reality right then and there and I experience a peace of mind that's indescribable. | ||
54 | Just try to imagine your feelings if an impossible lifelong dream suddenly came true.\ | ||
55 | Nothing else comes even close to this experience, because when I'm awake I'm always aware of the reality in the back of my mind. | ||
56 | No amount of fantasizing or online interactions or well-intentioned "but Volpeon, you _are_ a fox"-es or anything else can change that. | ||
57 | Which doesn't mean it can't be helpful -- except for the last one in a serious context, I don't like that at all. | ||
58 | |||
59 | Anyway, last night was great. :drgn_happy: | ||