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+---
+schema_type: DigitalDocument
+title:       I Want To Be a Fox
+date:        2022-07-09
+last_update: 2022-07-30
+
+references: 
+  - label: Question
+    url:   https://brotka.st/notice/ALFjUBS9tkCWKyprMm
+  - label: My Reply
+    url:   https://mk.vulpes.one/notes/92gm6ipdtp
+  - label: Update 2022-07-30
+    url:   https://mk.vulpes.one/notes/93ajjhu562
+---
+
+::: alert
+@kaia@brotka.st asked: "maybe not something you want to answer at all or publicly, but I'd be curious whether you genuinely long to be a dragon or a fox, its intensity, the motivation and background"
+:::
+
+I don't mind replying in public.
+It's not like I'm trying to keep this a secret, I just rarely talk about it because I usually have nothing to say on this matter. :drgn_flat:
+
+So yeah, I do genuinely wish to be a fox.
+I don't know the source of this desire, I've just always felt more comfortable with the idea of being an animal than a human.
+Some of my earliest memories are about me imagining myself as a bird and focusing on the sensation of having such a different body.\
+It's been a constant throughout my life and I can hardly express how much I long for it to become reality.
+It doesn't matter that I'm completely aware of all the drawbacks and consequences, if I was given the chance I would take it in a heartbeat.
+
+Obviously, that will never happen, though.
+I accepted it because what other choice do I have, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't eating away at me at times.
+I found two things that help me handle my feelings: The first one is creating art.
+The second one is my online identity which lets me live out myself genuinely, unlike my "real" name and my "real" face.
+Here I'm not strictly limited to my body and I'm truly thankful that this possibility exists.
+
+As for the recent dragon stuff, I thought about what this character means to me.
+I identify with it because it's an expression of my creativity and taste, but it hasn't taken over the role of foxes.
+
+## Update 2022-07-30
+
+::: alert
+I recent post that I feel is relevant here.
+:::
+
+I mentioned before that I sometimes have sleepwalking...ish episodes where I partially wake up at night and I'm usually aware of who and where I am, but my mind is still in dream mode which leads to interesting thought processes.
+
+For instance, about half a year ago I had 3 or 4 where I thought wasps (closest approximation) were attacking me.
+I'm sure I posted about them on fedi.
+It fucking sucked.
+
+Last night I had one where I thought I was a spirit and I could take any shape I wanted, so naturally I tried to be a fox.
+Then I fully woke up because my heart was racing and I had to calm down.\
+It's not the first time an episode went in that direction and I cherish every time it happens.
+In these rare moments, being a fox is suddenly a dream that can become reality right then and there and I experience a peace of mind that's indescribable.
+Just try to imagine your feelings if an impossible lifelong dream suddenly came true.\
+Nothing else comes even close to this experience, because when I'm awake I'm always aware of the reality in the back of my mind.
+No amount of fantasizing or online interactions or well-intentioned "but Volpeon, you _are_ a fox"-es or anything else can change that.
+Which doesn't mean it can't be helpful -- except for the last one in a serious context, I don't like that at all.
+
+Anyway, last night was great. :drgn_happy: